The past years of college, I had my downs that made me question my path alot. I spent so much days wanting to be alone or wanting to be out there living a reckless life. There were many nights of me choosing to be alone in my condo even if I have the best family and friends to hang out with. There were also nights were I wanted to meet every circle that I have, and also meet new people. Sabi nga nila, "I don't know if you really are an introvert or an extrovert." This battle of being an introvert or an extrovert made me ask myself alot of questions. Some questions are about where I would belong in this world, where I would be happy or what relationships I want to keep. But I guess I got to brush everything off everytime I tell myself that I'll get things figured out after college. 

And hey, as I moved out of the university, COVID came along. So everytime I question myself about so much things in my life, I thought these questions are just coming out because of the uncertainty COVID is bringing especially to us, fresh graduates, who are just about to explore the world. But now that I'm trying to address every question that pops into my mind, everything is just so messed up that I couldn't figure out where I want to be in the next years to come. 

Everyday, it always feels like someone is pressuring me. Uhmm, BUT NO ONE IS. It's a given that my parents have high hopes for me, but they never pressured me especially now that I'm out of university and trying to figure myself out. With every part time work I accept in the middle of this pandemic, they've been there quietly looking out for me. With all the "I want to move to another country" and applications I need to send out, they helped me out even if everything is more complicated to accomplish at the middle of this pandemic. But with all these reckless "I wants," all the support given to me, and all the decisions that I think I want, I always have all these doubts if I would have a life better than what my parents provided us. 

Currently what I have decided is that I would move out of the Philippines to pursue higher education and eventually find a job in the country where I am moving to. I have three choices in mind: Taiwan, Canada, and South Korea. These three countries all have pros and cons for me that makes me think about not even moving there.

Canada is the most practical choice for a person who plans to immigrate, and it is also the choice that my parents would love for me to take even if they are not telling me directly that it is their choice. Because Canada is an English - speaking country and I would not need to learn another language to survive. Also it has a big Filipino community that would help me adjust better. It is also the country that is westernized and would not give me as much culture shock compared to the other two countries that I'm considering. And lastly, it is a country with many different universities and colleges to help me land a good - paying job. However, Canada is the country that would really give me that "starting over from scratch," because I would not be able to use any experiences I have in the Philippines, and would start over again, and this time, all alone. I wouldn't know anyone, I wouldn't know all the areas in Canada, and everything is just so new to me when I hear the country Canada. Eventhough it is the easiest path for me to be able to stay in another country and it is the most practical path, I feel like Canada is so foreign to me and that scares the hell out of me. 

Next one is Taiwan. All my life I've always heard people say, "Chinese ka pala." And I couldn't say much when this happens because I really didn't explore my Chinese roots growing up. But when I went to Taiwan, I felt like we should have atleast studied the Language. With the trips I had to Taiwan for leisure and for visiting my sister when she studied there, I found Taiwan to be a country that is not so Chinese, and not so Filipino at the same time. So I didn't feel like there is a need to adjust alot with their culture and just had to know the language for me to survive there. One thing I also love in this country is that the cost of living and the cost of continuing my studies there would not be so far from the price here in the Philippines. But the only thing scaring me from moving to this country is not making it better than my life here in the Philippines since white collared jobs available there for foreigners are quite limited since they value the employment of their citizens. 

Lastly, South Korea. People would know how much I love this country. From the very first trip I had there with my family back in 2018, I told myself I'd be back and call this my home. It wasn't the Kpop, Kdramas or whatsoever that made me fall inlove with the country. It was just the lifestyle, and the strange culture that spoke to me and told me how we were so alike. I went back and forth to South Korea almost every 3 months since my first trip in 2018 to see the good and the bad. And believe me when I say that this country might be one the countries I don't want to live in if I see and enumerate all the bad things and foreign things that I have already experienced or heard. First of all, the living expenses and the tuition fee for me to continue my studies here is just alot for me to immigrate already to a western country. Second, as much as there are people here with the biggest hearts, there are still some rude Koreans that would look down on Filipinos for being poor and this will make it so hard for me to find a job even with a great degree. Also the hierarchy system in this country is just too much. And lastly, I have a little knowledge on Korean so I still have to learn the language to find success in this country. But as much as there are too many things that scares me and there are so much uncertainties if I pick this country. This is a country that is not so foreign to me. I could navigate myself through different places even better than my local friends there. I could blend in with their fashion and their lifestyle that random strangers would talk to me in Korean when I'm there. And I had the best days and achievements in this country. It is indeed the country that is very different from the Philippines from the other choices that I have, but it is a country that is not so foreign to me. I always get tired from all the walking when I'm in this country but I glow when I am in here. So I know it is probably the country that I am bias with and I would choose if I was only thinking about myself. But if I would have to be practical, it is expensive and it is the hardest to move into considering their immigration processes compared to the other two countries I have in mind. 

While I write these pros and cons, I know that Korea is the choice I'm leaning to but it is really risky, Canada is the choice that would make things easier for me to move out of the Philippines but I'm too scared of the foreign feeling the country gives me, and Taiwan is the middle ground of the other two countries I am considering. But with all these thoughts I have for all these countries, I am losing motivation to fix all the papers because I feel like I wouldn't be able to make it far even with all these careful considerations I'm taking. I feel like so much of my past are gonna define me and I wouldn't make it far in these countries that are very competitive. And at the same time, I also feel like my present is also not worth sharing as I have so little things achieved for the past months that I have been out of university for me to prove to these countries that I am someone they need in the future. 

Everyday, I try my best to look through opportunities and work for a better future in another career that got my heart fluttering. But at the same time, I always get demotivated to continue all these, thinking that I wouldn't be able to meet what I want for myself. I wouldn't be able to provide more than what my parents provided for us.  Oh How I wish that in just a snap I could find myself working in an environment I really love, and I could give back all the money that my parents spent on me. How I wish I could sustain the positivity for a better future from morning to nighttime. But the world is crazy and scary that I am losing hope and courage to move forward...

I wrote this post right now to acknowledge all my feelings and doubts. I wouldn't end this in a positive note because I am still in the process of this quarter - life crisis. I just hope that one day I could write back to you guys again and tell you that hey, I finally decided to take this path and I'm happy.